I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
