I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
