I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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