My nipple is on Facebook.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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