The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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