i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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