Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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