I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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