She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
