I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
