this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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