onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
