its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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