3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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