I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
