My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
