I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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