The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
