so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
