you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
