So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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