I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
