I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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