Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
