I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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