I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
