And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize