Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
