So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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