If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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