Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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