dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
