I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
