Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
