You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
