Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
