im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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