I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
