Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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