omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
