I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
