you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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