can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
