life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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