Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize