i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
