I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
