awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
