we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
