I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
