nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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