I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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