Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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