I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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