i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
