You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
