Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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