Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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