Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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