I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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