I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
