Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
